Four Steps to a Great First Kiss

I formally apologize to my followers for not writing anything outside of the chapters to The Court Chronicles that Ike and I have pin-balled back and forth. The truth, I have had writers block, but I had an unexpected surge of inspiration today and here you go. Last time I wrote about how to become friends with an ex, today I give advice to my male readers….

Not too long ago I met a nice young man named IB (initials: to protect the innocent, however no one really knows this guy outside of his other nickname). He was a nice young man. He was attentive, had a quirky sense of humor and planned fun and different dates. IB stood slightly taller than I at about 5’9”, had thick hair and held a close resemblance to Mark Wahlberg. I guarantee that my female followers just gave a collective sigh. So what was wrong? What made me not call him back and how did he become the subject of ridicule in my circle of friends? Let me back up to paint an accurate picture to my readership.

We had just finished getting his car washed. I know that an errand on a date is a huge no-no, but it was after the fires and I insisted we go get it washed so the ashes wouldn’t ruin his paint. On the ride back to his place where we were going to bar-b-que, he kept giving me lovey-dovey eyes and I knew the first kiss was coming soon. We stepped out of his car, and as I came around to the front he stopped me and brought me close to him. He looked into my eyes and whispered, “I want to kiss you. Is that ok?” I laughed. I nodded. He held my face in his hands and brought me close for what I anticipated would be a tender and memorable kiss. I was wrong. At least half wrong; it was memorable. Lord knows I tried to forget.

IB, God bless his heart, was an awful kisser. Every move he made was wrong and invasive. He started by securing his lips around mine as though he was one of those fish that cleaned the undersides of humpback whales. Next, he forced his tongue down into my mouth and wiggled that sloppy piece of flesh haphazardly; a move I would assume was to show me what he would do to me “downtown”…he never got that far. And then in a fit of aggression, he became overcome with passion, grabbed the back of my head and brought me even closer, causing our teeth to clink together. I pulled away; afraid he had chipped an incisor which he saw this as an invitation to kiss my neck. More sloppy saliva and now was he biting me? Ouch. After that debacle, I never called him again.

“Why don’t you teach him how to kiss?” a friend offered.

“At 32, if he hasn’t got kissing down by now, he is a lost cause,” I countered. I believed with strong conviction that there was no saving him. The damage done. My attraction for him—gone. A new nickname born. From that day on my friends and I called him The Bad Kisser.

Gentleman, I know it will be easy to laugh this article off and say, “Wow, that’s cold Inez, “ But please read on. You might learn something.

Steps to a great kiss:
1. Don’t ever ask if you can kiss someone. It is lame and cowardly. If you have us in kissing-range-closeness chances are we want you to kiss us.
2. Start with a peck. This important for the first kiss. It shows that you are tender and considerate. Not a saliva wielding monster.
3. Part the lips slightly and gently nibble her bottom lip. Make sure to part the lips slightly, as to not get her chin as well. Try to stay on our lips. I know every woman cringes when we get spit in our nostrils.
4. Tongue. OK tongue is tricky. Women don’t mind tongue done in moderation. Introduce it slowly and gently. Please do not park your tongue in our mouths. Develop a rhythm, in and out, round and round, and every once in a while repeat step three. Really is all about the attention to the lips.
Note: DO NOT kiss like they do in porn. Not good. I could go on about what they get wrong in porn but for right now I advise to never make a pointy tongue and wiggle it in front of your girl’s tongue. Not sexy.