How to be Friends with an Ex: Really, You Can Move On.

It happened. The statistically inevitable break-up has occurred, and you find yourself single again. You tell each other that you’ll remain friends, but you question the likelihood of a true camaraderie flourishing from this train wreck. As a person that is friends with three people she dated, I am telling you that it is possible. Follow these simple rules and you’ll find the transition much easier than you imagine it’d be. It should be noted that the following only really applies if the break up was mutual or if you got dumped. Being the dumper gives you too much power and the decision to remain friends should depend on the dumpee.

Phase One: Stay Broken Up
The toughest part of a break up is the devastating loneliness that follows. Your first urge maybe to call your ex to hang out. You aren’t talking date here-- nothing romantic just coffee. You did agree to remain friends, right? Wrong! Do NOT call your ex. Do not text, email, facebook, or send smoke signals to her/him. Don’t answer said forms of communication from them either.
If you were dumped, they might extend what I like to call the “selfish shit” email or text. We all have either sent or received one of these bad boys. They all read different but they all say something to the effect of, “I am sorry it didn’t work out. You are an awesome person. If I wasn’t so messed up right now; we’d be great together.” Etc, etc, etc. Beware of this email. Do not feed into this ridiculousness. . I call it “selfish shit” because they are sending this out only to make themselves feel better and none of it is really true—it is all bullshit. I will say that you should, however, send them an email or text back saying that you no longer wish to hear from them at this time. That’s it.
But if you don’t receive this email, the best thing to do after a break up is absolutely nothing. Not a God damned thing. Resolve that you will not communicate with her/him for at least three months. The two determining factors you should consider when deciding how long you should wait are; how long the relationship was, and how the break up went. The longer the relationship the longer you should wait. For example, if the break up was mutual the wait period will be shorter then if you were dumped. When in doubt, gauge it by your grieving period. For every day you stayed absolutely inconsolably depressed, add one month.

Phase Two: Do Your Thing
During that waiting period revive your spirit by focusing on the things that matter the most to you. You now have more time to hang with friends, pick up forgotten hobbies, create new passions, and maybe even date.
Rediscovering how awesome you are and meeting new people will boost your self confidence and you won’t be sitting around wondering what the other person is doing.

Phase Three: Re-evaluate Your Relationship
Look at and critically evaluate the relationship you had with your ex. Did they treat you with a fair amount of respect through out the time you two were together? If they weren’t a good girlfriend/boyfriend, chances are they might not be good at being friends either.
Also, see if the person has friends of the opposite sex. If she/he can maintain platonic relationships with the opposite sex then they’ll be more receptive to a friendship with no hanky-panky.

Phase Four: Are You Ready for First Contact?
Before you move forward and contact your ex to “catch up” assess your situation. Ask yourself these three questions:
-If your ex made sexual advances, would you reciprocate?
-Would you date your ex again?
-Do you feel like you’ll never find anyone like her/him?
-Would you be devastated if they were dating someone else?
Be honest with yourself. If you answered yes to any of these questions, do yourself a favor and wait even longer. You can not be holding a torch for them if you want to start a genuine friendship. You should actually feel disgusted at the thought of the two of you dating, again. Not the hurl-your-lunch disgusted, just the that-would-make-me-uncomfortable type of disgusted.

Phase Five: The Friendship
Once you have reached this phase the rest is easy. As long as you don’t get jealous and recognize that there are no longer any romantic feelings, you should be golden.
What you expect from a friend is very different then what you would expect from a significant other. Make sure to not blur those lines as you gain new ground as friends. She/he is not going to be jumping through hoops to satisfy you like they did before. Do not be disappoointed if they don’t make themselves available to you whenever you want. Since the dynamic of the relationship is going to change then the person might too.
In the end, you might develop a stronger friendship then you did when you dated, or you might hardly speak to them at all. But remember to always maintain your integrety. They are not responsible for your happiness.