On my recent trip to Tucson AZ, with my mom and sister, we stayed with an old family friend named May. Now May is someone you would say is very unconventional. She has six dogs (two that are blind). I am not exaggerating when I say she has a massive hole in her living room floor. She works with the Zapatista Indians, roasting, grinding, and distributing their coffee, for free? I am all about helping your fellow man but you need to get paid too. Dance with capitalism every once in a while, you know?
Saturday morning we made breakfast and sat around for some girl talk. In the living room are my mother (‘Ama), May, and her friend Rita. I was enjoying the spirited conversation amongst my eccentric friends but nothing could prepare me for the knowledge I was about to receive.
Rita: You know what is really good for the skin? Babies’ pee. Just grab the diaper and blot it on your face. (Mimes blotting face)
‘Ama: You know my mom use to tell me that! When I use to change Inez’s diapers I would think about it but the thought of it me daba asco.
Rita: No it works! (Notices my disgusted look and addresses me) Gives you something to look forward to when you have children.
Me: Whoa. That is a huge assumption! Who says I'm having kids?
‘Ama: Mija, when you’re ready. Not anytime soon.
Me: Right. (Pretend to be talking to a small child) You may have ruined all my fun with a life-time commitment* but my skin has never looked so radiant. I’ll pass on peepee face.
-The room laughs-
‘Ama: You know what my mom also use to say? That the first period blood was good too. She wanted to ask my niece Michelle but I told her not too. I forgot to ask Inez and my other daughter. They never want to tell you when they get their first period.
May: Do you know what my mother told me. (Addressing me) This is how you make a man yours forever. You get a little of your period blood and put it in his food. He eats it and your scent will always be on him. He’ll crave and want no body else.
Me: Wait a minute! Are you serious!
May: Yeah, homegirl. He’ll be your sex slave.
Me: May, I don’t know about you, but it has been my experience that men don’t need much motivation to have sex.
May: No, not just sex. They will be yours, and only yours. They’ll never want anybody else. Now, you have to be careful. You can’t do this to any looser. You don’t want anybody to be obsessed with you.
Me: No of course not because that would be ridiculous.
May: Yeah just put it in his spaghetti sauce and he’ll never tell the difference.
Eeew. What would Sam the Cooking Guy say?
Eeew. What would Sam the Cooking Guy say?
This horrifies and scares me at the same time, yet I felt the need to tell my friends. I pick up my phone and text my girls. The following are their responses:
C-dawg: That’s fucking CLASSIC
Dalo’s response was way more her style:
Dalo: WTF? Period blood? YIKES!!! Omg that just set up my day!!! Ask her next time “What if you don’t get periods anymore?
Me: Anymore?!?!
Dalo: I know [women] who don’t get their periods.
Me: Then they’ll be alone forever.
Dalo: Was she really serious or joking?
Me: Serious. IDK if it works. I’ll let you know.
Dalo: OMG! No Inez! Who would be your lucky contestant?
Me: I’ll let you know.
Anyone free this Friday? Any takers? No?
LMAO!!!
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